


Turned Ourselves Into These Ashes

by Weatherbug02



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Throne Room Scene, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Coup d'état, F/M, Hux is Not Nice, Rey (Kind of) Joins Ben, Sexual Content, Some Problematic Behavior, Throne Room, conflict of interest, injuries
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-02 04:26:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14536623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weatherbug02/pseuds/Weatherbug02
Summary: If Finn and Rose hadn't left. If Poe hadn't revealed the information about the escape pods to DJ. If the escape pods weren't in critical danger. If the Crait plan would have worked.If Rey had stayed, one way or another.





	1. Madness

**Author's Note:**

> So I was thinking about The Last Jedi (again), and I was thinking about the fact that if Finn and Rose hadn't left and found DJ and revealed the information about the escape pods, they would have made it onto Crait, and Rey wouldn't have been faced with the ultimatum: Go with Ben or save her friends? Without the Resistance's lives resting on her shoulders, she's now able to actually consider the offer. Well, kind of.

This was a mistake.

Rey knew it the moment the elevator door opened and she came face-to-face with Snoke for the first time. She knew it when Ben released her, distanced himself from her mind and kneeled before his master. She knew it when his lightsaber stilled just inches away from her face, and she was forced to look up at him and beg with just one word:  _ Ben. _

In reality, Rey shouldn’t have expected it to work. She knew Ben Solo was still in there, but this was her worst idea yet. She couldn’t trust him to do the right thing in the presence of his master, the creature in every crevice of his consciousness. 

_ Ben. _ What a fool she was.

Even so, it wasn’t like she mattered in the end. A few days ago, Rey was a nobody from Jakku. She lived day by day, hoping, praying that her family would come back for her. If she had suddenly dropped dead and was buried in the sand by whatever sandstorm would come next, nobody would have cared. Nobody would have remembered her.

This was no different. Maybe a few would have mourned, but in the end she was just one person in a galaxy of trillions of people, a grain of sand in an entire desert. She had failed in everything she set out to do, and now she’d failed in bringing Ben Solo back to the light. A means to a messy end.

_ Fulfill your destiny. _

Maybe she should be grateful. A death by a lightsaber in an effort to save the Light surely would surely be better than finding herself old and weathered on Jakku, still wishing for the family that would seemingly never come. At least now Rey could say she had done  _ something,  _ hadn’t just wasted her life away alone. Now she had Finn, a friend that would remember her. Maybe even Leia would tell the story of the foolish girl from Jakku who thought she could change things, thought she could change someone. 

Foolish, indeed.

Snoke was lying, she knew he was. There was no way it was him who bridged their minds. Ben had to know this. Ben had to know he was being tooled with. Still, he made no indication that he was anything but loyal to Snoke, showed any signs that he knew this was  _ wrong.  _

It couldn’t end like this. It couldn’t. She was just beginning to understand herself and this thing she had, what she could do with it. She was just beginning to explore the galaxy and see all the things she always dreamed of seeing. She was just beginning to find people that she maybe could call family one day. Were her 19 years stuck in the hellhole Jakku supposed to be for nothing?

No. No, that was not going to happen.

Everything seemed to move slowly but all at once at the same time. Ben’s lightsaber was close and then it wasn’t. She was levitating and then she wasn’t. Snoke was alive and then he wasn’t. That’s all it was, a fleeting moment where everything seemed to go her way. But as soon as relief flooded her, as soon as the lightsaber hit her hand and she stood in front of Ben with a million questions on her tongue, there was another battle to win.

The fight was  _ electrifying.  _ Rey sensed Ben like he was a part of her, moving in time with him like he was an extension of herself. In a way, he was. She felt his anger coursing through her, the rush of adrenaline, the  _ power.  _ It was dark and dangerous but this was just the tiniest taste of it.

_ You went straight to the dark. It offered you something you needed, and you didn't even try to stop yourself. _

Maybe Luke was right, but if this was dark side, Rey wanted so much more of it.

_ One _ .

Her muscles ached, her body battered from a combination of the encounter with Snoke and the fight, but there was no time to stop and take a breath. One guard came, took a blow, then rotated with the other. Again and again, one after another. It almost seemed never-ending, like there was no escape from the assault of red that constantly came in waves.

_ Two. _

Her fighting was messy now, turning into chaotic, predictable clashes of energy. Jedi didn’t fight like this. Jedi didn’t fight through desperate, uncalculated swings and cuts and knicks and bruises. The Jedi were supposed to be unparalleled and incomparable. No, Rey didn’t know that kind of fighting. The fighting she knew came from error, pain, death. It wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t easy, and it never ever stopped.

_ Three. _

There wasn’t time to breathe before she spotted him across the throne room on his knees with a guard at his throat. It was the first time Rey’d seen him the entire fight, focused entirely on the guards pursuing her. It hadn’t even occurred to her that he could be lying dead himself, leaving her with no way out, alone again.

The last guard was close to giving her that exact reality. Rey could never make it to him if she ran, the Praetorian’s blade too close to his neck now, so she did the first thing that popped into her mind: threw it.

In reality, her plan shouldn’t have worked as well as it did, but she imagined the Force had a hand in navigating the saber into Ben’s hand. He didn’t hesitate activating and deactivating it within a second. Ben’s eyes met hers and didn’t leave them even as the last guard fell back, his body slumping to the floor.

Rey was already walking—more limping, actually—forward when Ben got to his feet, tossing the deceased guards weapon away. Her lightsaber was still in his hand, hanging loosely down by his side. A fleeting thought,  _ It belongs there, _ passed through her head before she stopped a few meters away from him. 

“Ben,” she said, chest heaving.

“Rey.” His eyes didn’t break contact with hers, didn’t look away once at the scene of destruction around them. Embers rained down upon them, reflecting a faint glow of yellow onto their skin as they just stood, completely overwhelmed by the other’s presence. 

Neither of them spoke for the longest moment, the crackle of fire the only thing penetrating the silence between them. Was there anything to say at all? Plenty. There were almost too many things to say at this point. A million questions, but not nearly enough answers.

Instead, Ben stepped forward and closed the distance between them until they were only inches apart. Moist hair stuck to his forehead, skin slicked with sweat from the fight, and there was a slight tremor in his hand as he reached up to press his palm against her cheek. Rey still remembered how his fingers felt when they touched each other in the hut with tears and shaky hands and too many realizations. This, this was different somehow. They weren’t lightyears away, weren’t brought together by the Force. It was just them here and now with each other and no one else.

“Rey,” he said again.

Without hesitating another second, Rey pressed her lips against his. She’d seen people on Jakku do this, the ones lucky enough to have found someone to rot their miserable lives away with. Rey hadn’t understood it at first, wanting to give yourself to a person in any way. It was too risky, too treacherous to die of a broken heart before your body decided your fate for itself. Love was a luxury on Jakku, one she could not afford to have. 

Rey never really intended to allow anyone close enough to touch, let alone close enough to  _ know. _ They didn’t know of her pain, of the days and nights sat crying in her broken down AT-AT over a family she never knew, of starvation and murder and rations that barely allowed her enough energy to function. They didn’t know of the sand and the stars and the kiss of death that came with compassion. They didn’t know, and it was always,  _ always _ better that way.

All too well, she knew all this would lead to more pain and suffering than it was worth, but as Ben’s lips moved against hers, Rey couldn’t find it in herself to care.

It took entirely too long but much too quick for them to break away, neither of them particularly willing to let go. When they finally did, though, Ben’s arms wound around her waist, and Rey let out a small whine at the touch. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked, face pressed into her neck.

She sucked in a sharp breath. “Everything hurts. Not exactly sure what. Just everything.”

Ben nodded and loosed his grip but still kept his hands on her waist. When he looked at her again, Rey swore she saw the hint of a smile on his lips. “Snoke’s dead.”

She nodded and reached up to cup both of his cheeks. “He is. You did it. Ben, I—”

“We did it,” he cut her off. “It was us, together.”

It  _ was _ them. Even if Rey had only taken out three of the Praetorians and Ben five, he was very nearly killed himself by one. Then again, she doubted Ben would’ve been stupid enough to kill Snoke alone and then have to face all the guards. It really was them together. 

“Together. I like the sound of that.”

Ben pulled away and held her at arm’s length. “I’d tell you it was a bad idea to come, but I’m fairly certain you got the memo on that already. Are you okay? I know Snoke…” He shook his head. “I’m sorry. I should never have let him touch you, but you had to understand the position I was in.”

“It’s fine. It was my idea to come. I guess I didn’t really think it through, but it worked out in the end. I’m just glad it ended this way.”

“Ended which way exactly?”

“Yes, you turned on Snoke, Ben. Don’t you see it? The light’s inside you still. I feel it. Don’t you? Killing Snoke proved that.” She brushed her thumb over his cheekbone. “Come back with me, Ben, to the Resistance. They’ll accept you back. We can fight the First Order together, and we can...”  _ We can… be together? Kiss all the time? Pretend that our minds aren’t creepily meshed together in some will of the Force?  _ “We don’t have to be apart again, not like this.”

Ben stepped back, completely removing himself from her touch. “You’re still asking me to go with you? Did you not see what I just did? Do you not know what I’ve done?”

She stepped forward and reached for his hand, but he yanked it away. “We’ve all done terrible things in this war, but we need you. You have to stop running away. Please.”

“Me? Running away? Look at yourself, Rey. You’re standing there, trying to fix me, while clinging to your greatest weakness. You know what it is, don’t you?”

No.  _ No. _ He couldn’t be doing this, not here, not now. “Ben, no—”

“I’m not going to lie to you, Rey. I’ve never lied to you. I’m not going to give you false hope. I’m not going to coddle you. Try and tell me you’re over it all you want, but we both know the truth: Your parents. You know what happened to them. You know who they are.”

“I…”  _ I’ve never lied to you.  _ He hadn’t. In the entire time he’d known her, fought with her, he’d never told her anything that he didn’t believe himself. “Ben, I really don’t want to have this conversation right now.”

He let out a wry laugh. “Fine. Fine, just keep telling me to go back to a place where I never can then. I am never going to the Resistance, and I’m never going back to the Light. The sooner you can accept that, the better or none of this is going to work.”

“What is going to work? You mean us?”

“I mean any of this.”

Rey met his eyes again, hands curling into fists at her sides. “I’m not sure what I expected from you. I thought maybe if I came to you…” She couldn’t say it, already tasting the words of defeat on her tongue.

Ben, however, held no such reservation. “You’d win the war? I’m not some kind of prize. Snoke has no control over me anymore, but you can’t make me do anything. I’m not going to help you win the war, despite what you might’ve fantasized.”

“I didn’t fantasize anything,” she spat. “I knew you wouldn’t just turn, Ben. I had hoped, though, that we could find a way to put all this aside and… I don’t know, figure something out.”

“You hoped I’d put my entire life aside for you?”

She opened her mouth to object but closed it at once. Come to think of it, that had been what she wanted, wasn’t it? She wanted him to leave with her immediately, forget about the Dark Side and come back to the Light and stay there. Even if it was what she wanted, that wasn’t fair to him, no matter how much she hated it. “Ben, I—”

Rey was almost glad that the elevator doors opened when they did, unsure of how to end the sentence she’d started, but the moment Armitage Hux entered the premise, any relief flew immediately out the window. 

“What. Happened?”

The fire had almost nearly burned itself out, but embers still fell around them with some kind of sick ethereal glow around the crimson Praetorian guards littering the floor. In another time, in another place, maybe Rey would’ve found it beautiful. 

Footsteps squeaked over the floor, but Rey couldn’t tear her eyes away from Ben, who looked almost as panicked as she did. She should run while she can, get out of here before Hux put all the pieces together, but her feet felt firmly glued to the floor. Even if Rey could somehow get away without Ben or Hux catching her, there’s no way she’d be able to get to a ship hangar and fight in her condition. This was the only option.

“Who is this? Where is the Supreme Leader, Ren?” Ben merely look over at Hux, who stood completely dumbstruck, clearly not getting the whole picture. There was a heartbeat of silence before Hux gasped, finally putting two and two together and turning to face Rey. “You’re the scavenger, aren’t you? You and Ren…” He took a step back and pressed something on the watch he wore around his wrist. “The Supreme Leader is dead.”

Rey shivered as Hux’s icy glare settled on her. She and Ben were standing too close for anyone to reasonably question their allegiance, even Hux. Honestly, she hadn’t thought about this outcome of possibilities. The plan in her mind always seemed to end with Ben returning, not with a pasty, red-haired gremlin crawling all over the place.

Another step back. He was trying to get away. One could only imagine the terror of walking in on two Force users who had just destroyed the most powerful man in the galaxy and having no way out.

She half-expected Hux to full-out run, but he stopped in his tracks. Ben stepped toward him, hand raised and eyes narrowed. Hux wasn’t frozen by his own volition, she realized. He was being held there.

Ben regarded Hux, circling the man like a wolf would to his prey. This,  _ this  _ was the Kylo Ren the First Order knew and feared, the Kylo Ren that was unforgiving and showed no mercy to anyone. That person wasn’t real, simply a façade used to mask the pain underneath.

“You’re correct. The supreme leader is dead.” Ben released his grip on Hux slightly, just enough for him to be able to breathe. “I can imagine you can figure out what happens next.”

Ben dropped his hand and backed up a few steps to look down upon the man. As he did so, the elevator hummed and opened to reveal at least ten stormtroopers, blasters raised and ready as they flooded out of the elevator.

“General, are you alright? We received your distress signal.”

Hux cast a glance toward Ben and Rey before turning to the troopers. “Perfectly fine. It seems… Supreme Leader Snoke is dead. Kylo Ren will be assuming command of the First Order.” The words came out of him pained, almost forced, but the troopers lowered their weapon all the same. 

“And the girl, Sir?” the same trooper asked. “Will she be brought into custody?”

The question was aimed at Hux, but Ben cut him off before he could even open his mouth. “The girl will remain in my custody and no one’s else. If she is harmed in any way, shape, or form, or I hear one complaint, those responsible will answer to me. Is that clear?”

The stormtroopers agreed immediately, but Rey froze. This wasn’t the plan. This was  _ never  _ the plan. There was no way she was staying on a First Order ship, especially not with Ben after he insisted there was no good left inside of him.

“Supreme Leader,” Hux said, nearly choking on the words, “are you sure that is wise? She’s escaped you once before, and we can’t afford to allow the Resistance any amount of intelligence.”

“She escaped  _ your _ stormtroopers, not me. Let’s make that very clear. The scavenger has not come to ruin us. She’s left the Resistance in search of me.”

“And why would she do that?”

Ben looked back at Rey, the very faint hint of a smile on his lips. “She needed a teacher.”

Everything leading up to this moment had been awful, but this really took the cake, and if Rey didn’t have any sense of self-preservation, she might’ve argued with him. There would most definitely be time for that later if she had anything to say about it.

He stepped closer then, setting a hand on the small of her back in a way that made her want to kiss him and push him away at the same time. “Come with me,” he said, his voice just low enough for her to hear. “I’ll explain later.”

In any other time, any other place, Rey would’ve said no, would have laughed in his face and fought her way out, but the look in Ben’s eyes, the promise of something more, completely melted away the last of her resolve. And so, Rey did the only thing she could: she followed.


	2. Bad Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Stop thinking so hard,” Ben mumbled against her. “Just be here with me.”_   
>  _Yes, she was mad at him, but then he said things like that and all controlled thought completely melted away. “I’m here. I’m here, Ben.”_

For the first time, Rey allowed herself to take in the  _ Supremacy. _ There hadn’t been much time when she first arrived, so the realization of exactly how massive it was set it. There were reasons the First Order dominated the Resistance, and the sheer size of their fleets was definitely one of them. 

Aside from the size, there really wasn’t anything special about the dreadnought. The halls were winding, so much so that Rey couldn’t keep track of the turns they made just in case she needed to find a quick escape. The odds of that were likely, especially with the First Order involved. Maybe she was able to escape by chance once, but that was not going to happen again.

Rey supposed she wasn’t technically a captive. To a degree maybe, but no one had cuffed her and locked her in a holding cell, so that was an improvement from last time at least. Even so, the halls felt like a prison in themselves, metal and monochrome with no hint of real color. The only comforting presence, the only thing that kept her fixed on reality, was Ben next to her.

Well, before Hux shoved her out of the way, at least. 

“The Rebels’ fuel levels are at critical, Supreme Leader. Just a few more hours, and there will be nothing holding us back from wiping out the entire Resistance.”

Rey felt her heart sink in her chest. She had thought the Resistance had gotten away while she was with Luke. Had they been on the run this entire time?

Ben barely glanced at him. “I’ll be joining you after going to the Medbay. We can discuss further plans at that time. For now, you’re dismissed, General.” Hux stared at Ben as if he had much more to stay but merely gave a stiff bow and muttered out one last “Yes, Supreme Leader” before turning on his heel to leave.

The moment he was far enough away, Rey let out a breath and gripped the wall closest to her.  She’d gotten this far with Hux and Ben’s unneeded speed-walking, but it’d been taking a toll on her body, and she wasn’t sure how much more she could take. 

Blessedly, Ben stopped and waited for her. “Are you okay? We’re almost there. Do you need any help?”

“Just hurts. I’m fine.” Rey almost asked how he wasn’t feeling as bad as she was, but he wasn’t the one who had gotten dropped from several meters in the air and smacked in the head with a lightsaber. It was a wonder how she managed to come out in one piece during the fight with the guards.

Ben nodded and offered out his hand to her, which Rey graciously accepted. It didn’t do much to help, but she used it more as a reassurance, something to keep her head level. “I’m sorry it had to go this way.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“You’re not mad?”

“Me? Oh, I’m furious at you and the situation you’ve gotten us in, but there’s no use going off on you when I can barely walk.”

“You’re the one who got us into this situation,” he hissed, his voice low. “If you hadn’t come, none of this would’ve happened. I’m the one who has to deal with the aftermath, not you.”

Rey dug her heels into the floor and forced Ben to stop. “Are you kidding me? You act like I’m the only one at fault, yet you’re the one keeping me here. You’re the one who’s leading an attack to murder your mother.”

The moment the words came out of her mouth, she regretted them. It was true, but saying them just felt… wrong somehow. It was moments like these that Rey was reminded how little she really knew Ben, who he is, what he came from. 

She expected him to blow up, to call someone to take her to a holding cell, but he merely let go of her hand and took a step back. “My mother’s dead. There’s no one aboard that ship that I care enough about to spare.”

Leia? No, no, not Leia. She couldn’t be dead. Rey had just seen her a few days ago. The Resistance was escaping, and everything was supposed to be fine. This wasn’t supposed to happen. 

“How do you know?”

“Rey, I really am not in the mood—”

“How do you know?” she demanded again. “Tell me right now.” 

There was a moment that Rey thought he wasn’t going to answer, turning his back to her with clenched fists, but then she heard him, voice barely audible. “I watched it. I could’ve stopped it, and I didn’t. I… I always said I didn’t need her, that she meant nothing to me, but I knew it was a lie, and now that she’s gone—”

He sucked in a breath the moment Rey wrapped her arms around him from behind. His body was tense at first but slowly relaxed as she held him. “I’m still mad at you,” she murmured into his back, “and you’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I can tell you’ve already beaten yourself up enough already. I don’t need to do it again.”

“There’s… things we need to talk about. Medbay first, though. You really need to get checked out.” Now  _ that _ was something they could agree on.

The Medbay was a place unlike any other she’d ever been to. A doctor had checked her out briefly before she left for Luke’s island, but it had been a rushed patch job rather than a full check-up. The only time she’d ever been to anyone that resembled a doctor on Jakku had been a few years when she’d gotten so sick she had to trade four full portions, several day’s work, for a remedy that hadn’t even worked.

This was obviously different.

The mere presence of Ben had immediately caught of few stares from everyone nearby, but most people seemed to be more focused on Rey herself. She definitely wasn’t wearing regulation First Order clothes by any means and looked like she’d been caught up in some gang fight. Which was technically true.

“I need a doctor now.”

The receptionist didn’t even look up at Ben, clacking away at her keyboard. “Name.”

“Kylo Ren.”

There it was. The woman froze for a moment before clearing her throat. “I apologize, Sir. The next available doctor will be out in a moment for you. Will the girl be accompanying you?”

“She will be.”

A doctor was calling for them to be led in before Ben was able to take his place next to her. Rey had to refrain from taking Ben’s hand as she limped beside him but was grateful for the slowed pace. The examination room was just down the hall of the Medbay and smelled strongly of chemicals that Rey couldn’t identify with a blaster to her head.

Barely a minute passed when a doctor came in, clipboard in hand and eyeing Ben up and down. “I’m Doctor Somatil,” she said the moment she closed the door behind her. “What might be the issue?”

She was addressing Ben, of course she was, but he nodded toward Rey. “Not me, her. Do whatever you need to make her better.”

Doctor Somatil turned to Rey and looked her up and down before patting the examination table. “Up here please. What are we treating here, dear?”

Rey almost expected Ben to answer for her, but there was a moment of silence before Rey realized she would have to. “Concussion possibly. Mostly just sore muscles. I’m not really sure, to be quite honest.”

“Alright, that’s fine. We’re going to look at you and see what you need done.” She looked over at Ben. “Pardon me for asking, but are you comfortable with him here or would you like him to wait outside?”

Rey looked over at Ben, who, almost funnily, had a slight blush on his face. She hadn’t ever had a real examination before, didn’t really know what it entailed, but she couldn’t imagine it’d be that big of a deal. “No, he’s fine.”

The doctor nodded. “Alright, can you take off your outer layer of clothing for me please?”

“Outer layer?” Rey repeated, her face already flushing. Maybe it would’ve been a good idea to send Ben out.

“Yes, arm wraps, belt, anything aside from your pants and shirt will be fine. I can’t imagine you’re very comfortable underneath all that.”

She felt fine but didn’t say so. Instead, Rey slowly peeled off layer after layer until she was dressed in just a plain white shirt and pants. The doctor began to work then, asking about her injuries and how she’d gotten them. Rey doubted it’d be wise to straight-up say “I aided in the murder of Supreme Leader Snoke,” so she gave small half-truths instead as the doctor worked on her. 

“I’m going to prescribe you some pills for your concussion. If it doesn’t clear up tomorrow, come back to see me. Your arm should be fully-healed within a day or so as well, but it may scar. Anywhere else that’s bothering you that you haven’t mentioned?

Everywhere hurt, really. It wasn’t just here and there, her whole body aching every time she moved. Rey was accustomed to injury well enough from her time on Jakku, but she’d always managed well enough with broken bones from falls and burns from metal in the sweltering sun. No one ever asked if she was okay, and now that someone was…

“My ankle, the right one. I think I landed on it wrong.”

The doctor went to work immediately, sliding off Rey’s foot and examining the ankle briefly before standing back up. “I’d say a sprain. I’ll put a brace on it, and it should be healed within a few days or so. Other than that, is there anything else you need?”

Rey shook her head, and Doctor Somatil immediately bent to work on her ankle. When she was done, she straightened and marked something on the clipboard on the desk parallel to them. “I think you’re all set, dear. If you need anything else, come back any time.” Doctor Somatil turned to Ben. “Are you needing medical as well, Sir?”

Ben stood looked uncomfortably between Rey, who was bent down to pick up her clothes on the floor, and the doctor. “No, I’m fine. We’ll be going now. Have any medication sent to my chambers.”

They walked back together, ignoring the stares of anyone who passed them. Rey still limped, but the pace was quicker and her muscles didn’t ache quite as much as they had before. “Your chambers?”

“Huh?”

“Your chambers,” she repeated. “That’s where I’m staying?”

He didn’t make eye contact with her, eyes glued straight ahead. “For now. You’re at risk, and there’s no other room aside from Snoke’s that’s as heavily secured as mine. You should be safe there.”

“Really, Ben, I can handle myself. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“You don’t understand, Rey. I really do.”

She opened her mouth to respond, but nothing came out. There was nothing to say, nothing of substance at least, so, Rey stayed quiet and followed him. The walk was short enough, stopping at a plain door with a keypad down a nondescript hallway soon enough. Ben typed in a code that was at least 10 digits, along with a handprint before the door unlocked. 

It was just what one would imagine a First Order room looking like. There was nothing personal, nothing that would tip off that the room belonged to Ben. It was plain and dark and metal, not him at all, not what she’d seen of him. 

Ben stripped off his black tunic the moment the door was closed and deposited it in a basket over near his closet. The action, even though he still had an undershirt on, made her blush. “Do you want to use the ‘fresher? I’m not sure you should with the bacta and stuff, but…”

He seemed to be looking anywhere, everywhere but at her, fumbling with tidying up spaces that didn’t need it. It was almost as if she was the first girl he’d ever brought into his room. Wait. “Ben, are you okay?”

He nodded rapidly, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. “I’m… I don’t know. I really don’t know.”

Rey almost asked why but stopped. One could only imagine how he was feeling at this very moment. He’d lost his mother, killed his master, and was now the powerful man in the galaxy, all within a few days. He  _ was _ the most powerful man in the galaxy, wasn’t he? He was leading the First Order, her sworn enemy. Again, again this was a bad idea, and it just kept getting worse.

Still, Rey couldn’t find it in herself to leave. If she had a choice in the matter in the throne room, maybe she would’ve taken that chance, but there was no such decision now, no way to leave unless he let her go. That scared her more than anything.

“Why are you keeping me here?”

The question was random, but he answered almost immediately anyway. “I had to. I couldn’t just let you go. It’s not even me being selfish, though I do want you to stay. There’s no way Hux would let you out of this dreadnought alive without giving the Order something. He already knows I killed Snoke, probably spreading it around and planning some kind of uprising at this very moment. I can’t guarantee if I had a choice in the matter I’d let you go, but… for now you’re stuck with me.”

Rey had accepted that much, but this wasn’t enough. “Ben, when the moment comes, when the time is right, you have to let me go. You can’t keep me here.”

He sunk down onto his bed, head in his hands. “I know.”

“And I want my lightsaber.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Fine.” He merely sighed and unclipped the lightsaber from his belt and held it out to her. “Take it. Kill me with it. I don’t care anymore.”

Rey rolled her eyes and sat down next to him, wrapping one arm around his waist. “I’m not going to kill you, and you better not kill me.”

Ben leaned further into her and nuzzled his face into her neck. “Good. Keep doing that then.”

“Doing what?”

His lips pressed into her neck. “ _ That. _ ”

He was making absolutely no sense, but Rey didn’t mind too much, not when his lips kept moving against her neck. She shouldn’t like this, not at all. Ben’s supposed to be a lot of things to her, but it was never supposed to be like this. Still, she didn’t stop him, couldn’t think about stopping him.

“Rey,” he breathed against her neck, turning his body to face her. “Are you okay?”

She twisted her fingers into his hair and pulled him closer to her chest. “Don’t have an answer for that.”

“Do you want me to stop?”

_ No. _ He should, he really should, but Rey was not going to make that call. “Keep going. Don’t stop.”

This was sick. The things he’d done, the things she’d done, the things they did together. She shouldn’t be taking so much pleasure in anything, not while she was on a First Order dreadnought being kissed by the man she hated not three days ago, but Rey had spent her life waiting. For once, she just let herself be.

Besides, his mouth was a stark contrast against the cold air. It felt nice, too nice. There was too much all at once, but somehow it felt completely and utterly right. She hadn’t had the luxury of imagining such things on Jakku. Rey never imagined getting off the planet in the first place, let alone this, and now that she had it, she decided she’d never let it go. 

“Ben.” His name slipped out when his mouth pressed against her jaw. Slowly, too slowly, he moved to press his lips against hers. Rey was reminded again of the throne room, of the desperate touches, of never wanting to let go of him again. It was the same feeling now but with a hint of rage underneath.

The situation they had gotten wasn’t exactly his fault, but there was a part of her that was still irrationally angry with him. Really, Rey should be grateful that he had enough feelings for her not to throw her in a cell immediately. Actually, she should just be grateful for the fact he had enough feelings not to kill her at all. But, still, he was just so damn stubborn.

“Stop thinking so hard,” Ben mumbled against her. “Just be here with me.”

Yes, she was mad at him, but then he said things like  _ that _ and all controlled thought completely melted away. “I’m here. I’m here, Ben.”

His hands slipped under her shirt, and she shivered despite the warmth. Now  _ this _ was something different. He drew circles around her stomach almost tentatively. She’d never been touched much her entire life, especially not like this. A part of her wanted to stop it, but a larger part, something more internal and primitive wanted to beg him to keep going. 

But then he stopped, pulled away completely and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth. “I’m sorry. I need to go.”

“What?”

Ben was already standing and changing his undershirt to a different one. “There’s things I have to do. I’m sorry. You should sleep. It’s late”

“I’m not tired.”

“Then use the Holopad. Do whatever you want. Just don’t open this door for anyone and stay put. Understand?.”

Rey shouldn’t have been as mad as she was, but what kind of nerve did this man have? First he forced her to come with him, and now he’s leaving her to go and work on destroying the Resistance? No, this was not going to happen.

She was sitting up and stalking toward him before she really could think much about exactly what she was doing. “I am absolutely not playing this game with you, Ben. You think I’m going to sit back while you command the attack against the Resistance?”

“I don’t have a choice, Rey. I have to do this.”

“That’s a lie and you know it. You don’t have to do any of this, but you are anyway. Your mother might not be on that ship, but people she loved are. People  _ I  _ love.”

Rey had seen Ben mad before, on Starkiller, but he was usually so calm in her presence. Now, though, she’d struck a nerve, flipped some kind of switch. There wasn’t an immediate visible reaction, nothing to tip off his rage except his sudden silence. Rey knew he wouldn’t hurt her, but she had major doubts about his self-control. Maybe this was a bad idea.

“Don’t talk about my mother,” he said after what seemed like an eternity. His back was turned to her, so there was no read on his emotions, but Rey knew. She just knew. “I’m sorry you so thoroughly regret coming to me and look down upon the decisions I had to make, but I’m not going to justify them to you. If you want to leave, fine, but I’m not helping you when you get caught.”

Rey stood. “Screw you.”

She almost expected him to stay, to snap back at her, but he did nothing except open the door and leave, shutting it behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovelies! Back here with chapter 2! I'm gonna try and update every Thursday! So far writing is going pretty good! I'm about 1/3 of the way through writing chapter 4!! Thank you for all the lovely support on this story, lovelies! And yes, I did change my AO3 name. It's been a long time coming lol!
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com/


	3. Where Do We Go From Here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Time. Isn’t that what everyone needed?_

Rey was asleep when the door opened again, curled in on herself with a pillow held in her arms in some kind of death grip, and jumped to her feet immediately without fully realizing exactly why. She’d never been a deep sleeper, spending her nights on Jakku on edge for the most part, and so the moment a noise was made, her instincts forced her awake.

Ben didn’t speak, didn’t look at her as he shed his cape and tunic. According to the clock on his bedside table, it was past five in the morning, hours after he’d first left. The only reason he would’ve come back now was if everything was over, if the job was done.

“You bastard.” The words slipped out before she had half a mind to stop them.

He ignored her and walked into the ‘fresher, audibly locking the door the moment it was shut. Rey had a million things to say to him, a million reasons why what he was doing was stupid, but it seemed all arguments would be stalled for now, so she collapsed back into bed and prayed she could fall asleep before he got back out. 

It didn’t work. Rey felt the bed shift next to her as he sat down, there again before she had time to avoid this. She had half a mind to fake sleeping, but he could tell, she knew he could. And so, Rey shifted over and watched him as he sat with his back toward her, bent over and fingers tangled into his own hair. Rey almost asked him what he was doing, almost told him to never come near her again, when angry sobs suddenly became audible.

This was a side of him she had never seen of him, a side of him she doubted many people had ever seen at all. All at once, Rey saw the walls crumble, the restraints snap, and then Ben Solo was truly, truly broken. Maybe she should’ve laughed at him. Maybe she should’ve told him this is what he deserved for all the he’d done, but no,  _ no. _

“I’m sorry.” The words were faint, accompanied by choked sobs. “I’m so sorry.”

She sat up and scooted away from him to the other edge of the bed. “So that’s it then. They’re all gone. Why are you apologizing to me?”

“Rey—”

At the sound of her name, Rey shot to her feet and stomped over to the other side of the bed where he sat bent over. “I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want your damn apologies. You know who you should apologize to? Your mother. Your father. The Resistance. Except you can’t because they’re not here anymore because”—she stabbed a finger at his chest—“you killed all of them. In cold blood.”

“Rey, stop—”

“I will not,” she spat. “I will not sit here and listen to you act pretend to act sorry for something you didn’t have to do. I’m not going to sit and wait as you destroy yourself and the galaxy. Find another to girl to fawn at your every move, but that’s not me, Ben.”

She called her saber to her and made her way to the door. It was a stupid idea to go out alone, a death trap honestly, but she couldn’t be in the same room with him. Not with the blood of the entire Resistance on his hands. 

Her hand was on the door when he finally spoke. “I didn’t kill them.”

Rey stopped in her tracks and turned back to face him. “What?”

He sucked in a shallow breath, straightening up slightly to just barely glance at her. “I didn’t kill them. We acquired their ship. It was supposed to be shot down on site, but I… I couldn’t do it, so we took their ship in and searched it, but there was no one on it except one person. She’s in custody now. Everyone else is… gone.”

Gone. The entire Resistance was on that ship, and they just vanished. Somehow. Somewhere. Rey thanked the Force—for their sake and for Ben’s.

“Ben, I—”

He was standing then, eyes still planted firmly on the floor. “Don’t. Just don’t. I know I’m a monster. You just confirmed what I already knew.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed so quickly.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does.”

Neither of them spoke during the next few moments. It was only after a long period of prolonged silence that Rey finally took the steps to close the distance between them. Taking his face into her hands, she wiped the tears from his cheeks. “You’re not a monster, Ben. You’re not. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you were.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay. I should have listened to you. Do you forgive me?”

Ben pressed his lips together before nodding. Even in the dim light, Rey could see just how terrible he looked. It wasn’t just from the fight with the guards, though she imagined that contributed in the bruising. It was more the fact he just looked… so tired.

“Come to bed,” she whispered, dragging her palms from his cheek to his chest. “Just sleep.”

It took a moment for him to agree, but the moment he did Rey busied herself with unbuttoning his tunic and sliding it off his shoulders. There was nothing seductive about him undressing, merely stripping to his underwear and pulling on a pair of pants before sliding into bed with Rey. 

They laid across from each other, close but not yet touching. It was the first time Rey had shared a bed with someone, well, had a bed at all, but she found herself grateful that this experience was shared with only Ben. Gently, she caressed his hand that was laid out against the mattress against her own and sighed as he entwined their fingers. 

A lot had happened in the last day, but maybe, just maybe, it would be alright.

*

They woke up completely entangled in almost every sense of the word. Rey neck ached from the way it was tilted as she slept, shifted through the night as she and Ben changed positions. Half of his body was on top of her, arms wrapped around her waist in a death grip with his face buried into her neck. It might’ve been sweet if she could have only actually moved.

“Ben.”

He answered immediately. “Yes?”

“I can’t breathe.”

He released her immediately, distancing himself slightly away from her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

“Don’t apologize,” she said quickly, pressing a hand to his thigh. “It’s okay.”

Ben nodded, eyes fixed on her hand on his thigh. Rey was almost tempted to move it, but she kept it there, squeezing gently. “Don’t tell me you have to leave immediately. You don’t look like you got any sleep at all.”

“That’s because I didn’t,” he answered, voice groggy despite himself. 

“What? Ben, why?”

“Can’t.” She wanted to pry, wanted to find out what exactly he was doing to himself, but the sound of his voice, the look in his eye silenced any question she had. Now was not the time for that conversation. 

Instead, Rey leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his mouth briefly before pulling away. It was the first time they’d kissed since before their argument, and she still immensely enjoyed the blush that coated his cheeks when she did so. “Don’t leave yet, Ben.”

She most definitely saw his breath catch then, eyes flickering toward her in what almost seemed like amazement. “I won’t, not yet.”

His lips were on her again in an instant. Rey could feel the restraint in his movements, the way he held back, touched her like she was a fragile. The very thought made her want to pull him closer, tell him that it was okay to touch and grip and kiss without being afraid. Then again, fear had encompassed every point in both their lives. It was natural that this went along with it.

Ben was the first to pull away as always, that blush still reddening his cheeks. Rey kept herself close, gripping his shoulders, back, anything she could reach. She didn’t want to stop, never wanted to let him go again.

“Rey,” he breathed.

She leaned further into him and kissed the corner of his mouth, hands coming up to curl into his hair. “You don’t have to stop. Keep going.”

“Are you sure?”

Another kiss, this time to his forehead. “Yes. Just keep going.”

It wasn’t just the kissing that made her feel this way. It was being in the same room, sharing the same air, the simplicity of  _ touch. _ There was something good there, something intoxicating that she knew in time she’d get hooked on. Maybe it was a bad idea, maybe it was a terrible idea, but damn it, she wanted more.

Rey wasn’t lost on what her requests meant to most people. She knew of sex, Jakku not leaving much a secret, knew what she was getting herself into if it was pursued. Still, it was a little intimidating, even if she was very sure Ben was just as inexperienced as she was. 

Really, Rey hadn’t thought much about it. It was never necessary, not for her, at least. It wasn’t like anyone pursued her beyond the occasional bribe, and she’d never have children on that hellscape anyway. 

Things were different now. She’d known Ben only a few days, but the Force willed them together in every way possible. Rey didn’t want to just be his equal in the light. She wanted everything, figure things out and create the life she always wanted. Ben was meant to be in it, she knew he was. All it took now was a way to convince him.

There was time for that later. Now it was time to live in the present, to not be afraid of what the world held for them. Not it was time to just be.

Ben was true to her, always had been. His lips moved against her, too slow but too fast all at the same time. She could practically taste his inexperience, but it was overshadowed by the want and the need and everything that came along with it. It didn’t matter. None of it mattered, not when he was in her arms. 

“Ben,” she gasped out when he moved down to her neck. “Ben, please.”

It was ridiculous how sick he made her, how utterly foolish she was being. There was nothing to be begging for, nothing to humiliate herself over, but Rey still did so, pleased by the moans he paid her with. 

_ Don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop.  _ The words rang through her head like some kind of mantra, a cover to everything she should be worried about. It was good, it was great, it was nothing like she ever experienced before. This was against everything Rey ever figured she wanted. She didn’t  _ do  _ this type of thing, didn’t allow herself to be taken off guard and let people into her life. This was stupid and yet she didn’t care one single bit.

Rey somehow found her way to her back and tugged Ben on top of her with very little restraint. This was supposed to be how it went, wasn’t it? She’d never had sex before, hadn’t experienced anything like it aside from what she’d seen on the streets, but surely Ben knew what to do. 

So she followed his lead, albeit shakily. He was still focused on her neck, his lips continuing its exploration down. Rey ran her fingers through his hair as his hands settled on her waist, barely squeezing. He was so restrained, so nervous, and it just made her ache.

“Don’t be nervous,” she whispered, stroking his head.

He looked up at her, breath tickling her skin as his chest heaved. “I’m sorry. I just don’t want to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”

“It’s good, I’m good. You’re not going to hurt me. I’ll tell you if I don’t like something.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

With a nod of his head, Ben slid a hand beneath her shirt, the one she should’ve changed the moment she got in the room, but there hadn’t been time before anger set in. She assisted him as he pulled it over his shoulders, dropping it on the floor next to them. When Ben turned to her again, his eyes flickered down to the cloth covering her chest and back up to her lips.

Rey smiled at his bewildered expression and sat up, pressing her lips against his, just for a moment. “You look like you just saw a Rathtar.”

He huffed out a laugh before avertin his eyes in what could only be embarrassment. “I’m sorry. I’ve just… never done this before.”

“Me neither. We’ll figure it out together.”

And there would definitely be a lot of figuring out. With the combination of her lack of information and Ben’s embarrassment, this was bound to be some, ah, extraordinary first time. Then again, there was something about learning it all together, being completely there for one another that made her sincerely excited for what was next.

They just stared at each other for a moment, breathing in unison. There was some kind of look in his eye, not hungry but not tame at the same time. It was one of want but irrevocable passion that made her heart ache. Eventually, Rey pressed her hands against his chest and trailed her fingers from his collarbone to his stomach, marvelling at the muscle beneath his skin as she went. “I’ve been wanting to touch you like this.” The confession was one that had been trouble to admit to herself, but it just came out one day. I mean, who  _ wouldn’t _ want to touch him?

“I’ve just been wanting you to not throw insults at me every time we meet. This is a bit of an unexpected, albeit welcome, surprise.”

Now that got a laugh out of her. “You’re horrible. Truly awful.”

Ben pressed forward and nuzzled her neck. “I’ve been told.”

She grabbed his wrists and pulled them up to settle on the fabric on her chest. “I’m sure you have. Why don’t you disprove that then?”

It looked like all the blood in Ben’s face rushed below as he released a breath, hours set intently on the hands on her chest. Slowly, too slowly, he unwrapped the fabric in some sort of unsteady rhythm, hands shaking. Once the fabric was completely unwrapped from her body, he dropped it on the floor and set his hands on her ribcage. 

“Are you okay?” she asked as he whispered something.

“Just praying. Everything’s fine. Just need to make sure I don’t pass out and die.”

For a moment, Rey almost thought he was serious, but then his lips pressed just above her breast and all trains of thought was momentarily gone. His lips were soft and pliant against her, and damn it, they felt good, better than they should have. 

His tongue, wet and warm, ran over her nipple as his lips closed. In all actuality, the act was quite strange. On Jakku, there hadn’t been many human women, so most of Rey’s knowledge of sex came from aliens, ones that paid little resemblance to her. Most of it was straightforward, none of this foreplay that was too quick but too slow at the same time. 

She found that she liked it though. It allowed her to appreciate him, watch just how much he cared as he pushed her down onto the bed and straddled her. Lips and tongue and hands—too much but not nearly enough. Again, again, again. 

Was this all it took to bring the Supreme Leader to his knees? A kiss, a touch, a promise of something more? Maybe Rey should’ve ran with it, made him too lovesick to ever say no to her, but there was that part of her who wanted him, probably just as much as he wanted her. 

Betrayal wasn’t something she was capable of, especially not now.

When his mouth mouth moved from her breasts, they settled on her neck once more. “Gods above, I love you.”

“W-What?” The word came out as a stutter, just above a whisper. 

Ben’s head shot up and he immediately scooted off her waist. “I’m sorry. I-I didn’t mean—”

“Ben—”

“—to say it like that yet.” He hesitated for a moment as Rey felt herself glued to bed, unable to make a move. He stood before she could stop him and walked to his wardrobe, throwing on some clothes. “I’ve got to go.”

No. No, no, no. Not like this. Not again. “Ben, don’t just leave. Just talk to me.”

“I’ve stayed too long, I’m sorry. I should’ve left hours ago.” He was already shoving on shoes and a tunic and that stupid damn cape. “If you want food, just order it from the holopad on the bedside table. 

Rey stood and covered her bare chest with folded arms. “I don’t want any food. I want to talk to you. Stop running away from me.”

She couldn’t read his expression, and it didn’t help that he couldn’t seem to meet her eyes. “I’m sorry. Later we can talk about it, okay? I’m just… I’m not ready yet. Give me some time.”

Time. Isn’t that what everyone needed? Rey considered a moment before sighing and walking toward him. “Fine, but I’m serious when I said we needed to talk. And don’t expect me to be holed up all day like this, alright? I don’t do well cooped up.”

Ben nodded, just a hint of a smile on his face, and pressed a kiss to her temple. “I’ll see you later.”

He hurried out the door, and Rey found herself sinking back down onto the bed, arms still pressed against her chest. It should’ve been humiliating—it  _ was  _ humiliating—but she didn’t find herself mad at him. If anything, this was just a bit of a bigger challenge, which would be addressed quickly.

First, though, food. And, Rey realized as she looked down at herself, a shirt. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello! thanks for your lovely reviews! they mean so much to me!
> 
> follow my tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com/

**Author's Note:**

> what is up, y'all?? it's been a while since I finished Disconnect and this story was definitely not meant to be next, but I'm in love with the concept so much, so I hope y'all like it too!
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com/


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